1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000
- Synced and corrected by <b>chamallow</b> -
- www.addic7ed.com -

2
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,760
So, I had to bump a guest last night

3
00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:11,220
who was supposed to be on the
show when we ran out of time,

4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,972
and it's not without its dangers.

5
00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,223
One night, I bumped Jackie Gleason.

6
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:15,766
Next day, he bumped me
straight to the moon.

7
00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:17,476
Yeah.

8
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,437
I was black and blue for a week.

9
00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:24,275
Winter weather's taking
hold all over America.

10
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,277
Right now, the roads are
wetter than Richard Nixon

11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,447
- during a televised debate.

12
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,657
- Slippery, very slippery.
- And the winner for the least interesting joke goes to...

13
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:32,741
- Hmm?
- Huh?

14
00:00:32,742 --> 00:00:35,077
Hey, will someone please
tell the Shirelles that, yes,

15
00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:37,663
I will still love them tomorrow?

16
00:00:37,747 --> 00:00:39,707
The band's waiting half a
beat when I throw to them

17
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,876
after the monologue. They
got to jump in quicker

18
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:43,252
so I'm not hanging out there.

19
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,087
Exactly, I keep saying
they got to jump in quicker.

20
00:00:45,171 --> 00:00:47,298
I'll talk to Tony.

21
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,924
And is Teddy's writing
getting smaller, or are my eyes

22
00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:50,468
- getting worse?
- His writing's getting smaller.

23
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,428
Much smaller. I noticed that, too.

24
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,285
I'll talk to Teddy.

25
00:00:54,286 --> 00:00:55,815
So, now, the Kerouac joke...

26
00:00:55,816 --> 00:00:57,016
why didn't that get a bigger laugh?

27
00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:59,018
Felt like a lot of people
didn't know who he is.

28
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,686
The guy's a best-selling
author, what gives?

29
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:03,230
- I know who he is.
- We got to stop

30
00:01:03,314 --> 00:01:04,815
with the outdated
references. Keep it fresh.

31
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,025
Well, said, Gordie.

32
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,109
See you at Toots?

33
00:01:07,193 --> 00:01:08,319
I've got to get home to the missus.

34
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,570
She's under the weather.

35
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,155
She was fine when I
left her this afternoon.

36
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,907
- Clever.
- Hey, tally's wrong.

37
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,366
Gordon dropped the orphanage joke.

38
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:15,618
Oh, sorry, Cess.

39
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,328
Well, still more jokes than you.

40
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:18,788
This isn't a contest.

41
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:19,871
Of course it's a contest.

42
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:20,998
You know what that means.

43
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,333
Maisel's 0 for 30.

44
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,043
- Broke the record.
- Yup.

45
00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,503
Thanks again, Midge.

46
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,087
Didn't get a joke in again, huh?

47
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,882
No, but I do know who Jack Kerouac is.

48
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,051
Who?

49
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,015
Oh!

50
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,451
Beautiful yield today.

51
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,995
God looked down and smiled.

52
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,811
Ethan.

53
00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:29,358
Oh, Ethan, let me look at you.

54
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,861
Mama, you know there's an airport here.

55
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,612
Oh, it's practically
in Egypt it's so far.

56
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:34,905
Ethan.

57
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,658
It's okay! It's just my mother!

58
00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,410
She's visiting from New York.

59
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:42,704
- Oh.
- They act like they've never seen a Jewish mother before.

60
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,456
Well, it's Israel, Mama.

61
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,083
Helicopters suddenly
appearing in the sky

62
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,418
make people very nervous.

63
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,168
Who's gonna invade a lettuce farm...

64
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,922
health-conscious
anti-Semites who want a salad?

65
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,011
Does he just wait for you?

66
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,804
He's fine. He's got a book.

67
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:01,807
And when the parsnips

68
00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:04,018
started peeking out,
we were all stunned.

69
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,686
I mean, you think you're
planting horseradish,

70
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:07,605
and then up come parsnips.

71
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,107
God works in mysterious ways.

72
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,443
Well, actually, we just
got the packets mixed up.

73
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,820
Oh, good, you haven't
changed completely.

74
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,739
So...

75
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,199
how are your studies
going? Are you a rabbi yet?

76
00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:20,618
Oh, no, not yet.

77
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,202
You've been at rabbi
school for years now.

78
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:23,662
It's not called rabbi school.

79
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,039
I mean, you didn't
want to go to college,

80
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:26,874
fine, but should it take
longer to become a rabbi

81
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,292
than it does to become a lawyer?

82
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,668
Yes.

83
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:33,088
Yes. I... I got my answer.

84
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:35,299
So, for tonight, I'm sending a car

85
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,800
to pick you up at 6:30 sharp.

86
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,053
- You got the suit I sent?
- I did, but...

87
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,638
Ethan, do not give me
a hard time about this.

88
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,680
It's not every night the UJA-Federation

89
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,726
honors your mother, and I
need my son to look handsome.

90
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,937
Make sure you shave and bathe.

91
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:49,980
Twice, because some of
this seems permanent.

92
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:53,497
- I work in the fields. There's dignity in labor.
- Your labor, maybe.

93
00:03:53,498 --> 00:03:54,755
Mine involves a roomful of people

94
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,710
- staring at my cabbage patch.
- Mama.

95
00:03:56,711 --> 00:03:59,198
See? I kept it thematic for you.

96
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,283
I don't understand why
you say such things.

97
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,118
Well, good thing you
don't book the Copa.

98
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,204
- Oh, I have a little news.
- Hm?

99
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,289
Chava. Chava.

100
00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:10,709
Mama, I'd like you to meet...

101
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:12,753
Let me guess... Chava?

102
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,046
We're getting married.

103
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:16,882
This is a "little news"?

104
00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,634
It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Maisel.

105
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,219
I'm sorry, did you say
you're getting married?

106
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,053
Yes, after harvest.

107
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,889
- No clue when that is.
- I understand marriage

108
00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,557
is not a happy topic for you.

109
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:26,934
Ethan told me about your divorce.

110
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,852
Oh, yeah? Which one?

111
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,814
Not to have felt pain is
not to have been human.

112
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:35,442
Well, that was beautiful, I assume.

113
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,945
So, Chava,

114
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,864
- are your parents
kibbutz-ers, too? - No.

115
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,075
I was born in Tel Aviv
but we moved to Minnesota

116
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,369
when my father became head
of surgery at the Mayo Clinic.

117
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,037
I moved back to join the army.

118
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,623
I didn't see much combat, but I
did break my leg in four places

119
00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,166
when my parachute opened late.

120
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:53,752
I was separated from my platoon,
so I had to set it myself

121
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:56,463
and climb a date tree to sleep in.

122
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:57,881
I still get teased about that.

123
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,633
Yeah, you'll never live that down.

124
00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:00,968
Okay, I have to go.

125
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:04,138
Ethan, walk Mommy to her helicopter?

126
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,474
Be faithful to that one

127
00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:10,185
or she'll rip your nuts off and
plant them next to the onions.

128
00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:14,106
I will be completely
faithful to her, always.

129
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,192
Okay. I'll see you at 6:30 sharp.

130
00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,236
Wear the suit.

131
00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:26,618
Wish you'd told me you had a fiancée.

132
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,371
Sorry.

133
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:40,632
I don't like her.

134
00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,260
Well, she's my mother.

135
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:46,597
There.

136
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,348
This is ridiculous.

137
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,267
He's a little boy. You tell a little boy

138
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,727
what to do, you don't
trick him into doing it.

139
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,480
This is what the school
therapist told us to do, okay?

140
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,356
There. We make it a game.

141
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,317
Every night, he sleeps
two feet closer to his room

142
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,527
until finally he makes it to his bed.

143
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:03,155
He wins. There.

144
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,698
We should put him in a new school.

145
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:06,825
Any school we put him in is
gonna think we're bad parents.

146
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:09,161
- Why?
- We're divorced. I'm a comic.

147
00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,996
I've been to jail. You own a nightclub.

148
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,998
Ah, but we make our son sleep
on the floor of the hallway

149
00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:14,500
and suddenly we're Ozzie and Harriet?

150
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,667
You have a better idea?

151
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:17,252
Tell him to sleep in his own bed.

152
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:19,963
Wow, I did not think of that.
No wonder men run the world.

153
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,590
There.

154
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,135
Probably should've
let Ethan talk to him.

155
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,429
To the school therapist? No fucking way.

156
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:30,057
I don't want some quack
messing with my son's mind.

157
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,475
Five minutes, he'll have Ethan convinced

158
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,477
- his whole family's insane.
- Did you hear that?

159
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,645
What, Mama?

160
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,230
I just...

161
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,524
Nothing. Who wants tea?

162
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,069
It's weak to go to a therapist.

163
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,905
Yes, your opinion has been
stated, loud and clear.

164
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,116
And don't you dare talk
about any of this in your act.

165
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,451
Why are you so cranky? There.

166
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,162
Is it Moishe and Shirley?

167
00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,665
You mean the unstoppable
force and the immovable object?

168
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,500
- Oh.
- They're driving me crazy.

169
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,085
They insist on staying
in that house together

170
00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,169
but they won't speak to each other,

171
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,546
so everything goes through me.

172
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:01,922
I spent the morning negotiating

173
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,757
what the temperature
should be when they sleep.

174
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,425
65 or 66.

175
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,052
An hour and a half on
a one-degree difference.

176
00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:08,512
Oh! There.

177
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,180
You heard that, right?
It was a thump or a bang.

178
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,391
- It was the front door, Rose.
- But who came through?

179
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,977
Oh, Abe. It's... you. Oh, Abe.

180
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,270
What are you doing down there?

181
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,814
Well, we met with Ethan's
school, and they...

182
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,151
Never mind. I can't
even pretend to care.

183
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,112
Papa.

184
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,114
It's just me, Mama.

185
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,615
Anything wrong, Papa?

186
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,368
I spelled Carol Channing's name wrong.

187
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,036
Oh. How did you spell it?

188
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,580
Wrong! Does it matter?

189
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,249
I did it and the paper
had to issue a correction.

190
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:39,418
A correction for everyone to read.

191
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,628
Does anyone really read corrections?

192
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:42,713
Of course they do.

193
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,507
I start every paper
reading the corrections.

194
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,718
That's how you know who the idiots are.

195
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,846
And up until now, I was the only person

196
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:54,600
at the Voice that had never
been corrected in print.

197
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,643
Now I, too, am an idiot.

198
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:59,271
Well, maybe now they'll let
you sit at their table at lunch.

199
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:00,898
Look at it.

200
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:04,401
"On Monday, Carol Channing... " two N's,

201
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,945
"was incorrectly spelled
as 'Chaning, '" one N. Ugh.

202
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:09,740
I've been branded.
I'm-I'm Hester Prynne.

203
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,200
Two N's in Prynne, by the way.

204
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,410
I just can't remember the last time

205
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,620
I made a mistake like this.

206
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,121
Look, now, come on.

207
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,290
Not in 25 years at Columbia,

208
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,876
not in high school, elementary school.

209
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,170
I may have gotten something
wrong in kindergarten,

210
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:26,798
but there are no existing
records of my time there.

211
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,258
I checked.

212
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:30,802
You're divorced. What
are you doing here?

213
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,554
Ethan's school therapist told us...

214
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:34,932
I told you, I don't care!

215
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,725
You had to hear it that time.

216
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,686
It was a gun being cocked
or a sword being unsheathed.

217
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:41,855
I just dropped the
paper down on the table.

218
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:46,360
You... Are you trying to
drive me mad, Abe Weissman?

219
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,404
Yeah. There's no way I'm
keeping this out of my act.

220
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,032
"I mean, the kid

221
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,825
had to take kindergarten a second time.

222
00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:55,202
He failed finger paints."

223
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,495
Something other than finger paints.

224
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:57,913
- "He failed sharing."
- Better.

225
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,706
- "He failed snack."
- Bit of a thinker.

226
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,291
We give 'em one a night.
Go with snack, guys.

227
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,751
How do you spell "discombobulated"?

228
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,836
Teddy, that was two jokes
ago. You're two jokes behind?

229
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,171
I have a mind like a steel trap.

230
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:07,673
And a butt like a bowl of spaghetti.

231
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,758
- Look who's talking.
- Guys, stop. We need one more,

232
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:12,344
so focus. We need something, anything.

233
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,427
Well...

234
00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,264
Never mind.

235
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:17,140
- You got something? Let's hear it.
- Your every thought

236
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,934
- is the property of The Gordon Ford Show.
- So don't fight it.

237
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:22,229
Okay. Well...

238
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,564
"Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny,

239
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,191
was recently in a car accident.

240
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,943
He's recovering nicely,
though authorities

241
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,153
are still questioning
the voice of Elmer Fudd."

242
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,281
- I like it.
- Me too.

243
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,573
Gordon'll like it, too. Put it in.

244
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,325
Wait, put it in?

245
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,077
Uh, when you say "put it in," you mean

246
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,412
"put it in"? Shut up, Mel.

247
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,789
Yeah. It was good, it's going in.

248
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,540
Wow. Wow.

249
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,459
Just has to get past the man upstairs.

250
00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:46,420
- Here he comes.
- Whew.

251
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,046
Smells like an elephant's
ass crack in here.

252
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,256
- Trudy, you ready?
- Got it.

253
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,632
Gimme.

254
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,597
Okay.

255
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,224
Nice work, guys.

256
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:00,851
Ooh, another squeaker, though.

257
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,269
Humbly speaking, we're
the best in the business.

258
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,854
Let's take a break. We've earned it.

259
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,230
Oh, good, my mother's
called me three times.

260
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,314
You sing?

261
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,441
You know I sing.

262
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:08,650
When did I ever hear you sing?

263
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,360
In all the school plays.

264
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,779
Don't you remember me doing
The Band Wagon in high school?

265
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,698
I remember you doing the
band back in high school,

266
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,116
but not you singing.

267
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,534
You always diminish my
dreams, you know that?

268
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,286
You're very consistent in that way.

269
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,288
One of the reasons I'm
in this terrible rut

270
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,165
is because I get no
help from you or anyone.

271
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,459
I will try to find you
something, Tess, I promise.

272
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,210
Don't break this promise.

273
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,629
Since Skint died, I'm
feeling very vulnerable.

274
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,381
- Wait, Skint died?
- Yeah.

275
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:32,966
Your husband? My brother-in-law?

276
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,050
Yeah, last week.

277
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,385
And you didn't think to tell me?

278
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,888
It was natural causes, so
there was nothing to tell.

279
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,431
I'll call you later, Tess.

280
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,514
Susie, chime in here,

281
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,100
is this floral print too busy?

282
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,810
Eh, the decor's Dinah's call, Nicky.

283
00:10:43,894 --> 00:10:45,479
She's the one who gives a shit.

284
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,147
Thank you.

285
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,398
Susie Myerson and Associates.

286
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,442
Oh, hi, Midge. She's right here.

287
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:53,153
Hey, what's up?

288
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,863
- I got a joke in.
- Finally.

289
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,907
It took me four weeks
to get the hang of it.

290
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,201
No, it took them four weeks
to realize their fucking cocks

291
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,119
wouldn't fall off if
they put a lady joke in.

292
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,329
Be sure to watch tonight.

293
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:03,955
- Dinah, too.
- I'll, uh...

294
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,499
handle this.

295
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,334
Miriam, I got to go right now.
Your mother just walked in.

296
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,211
Ha, ha, very funny. Goodbye.

297
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,046
Bye.

298
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,297
Rose.

299
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,508
I tried to call, but
I couldn't get through.

300
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,051
Well, my business is really picking up.

301
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,011
It's a busy professional office now.

302
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,013
Fuck me? Fuck you

303
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,140
and the donkey you rode in on

304
00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:24,684
and fuck the donkey's sister, too.

305
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:25,768
Come on in.

306
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:28,647
Sit down.

307
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,108
So, uh... what's up?

308
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,735
Susie, you're the
angriest person I know.

309
00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,113
- All right.
- And you associate

310
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,407
with angry people. There's
always a frightening,

311
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,991
terrible energy coming from you.

312
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,410
Where you going with this, Rose?

313
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:43,120
Well, I was wondering if
you could help me get a gun.

314
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,872
- What?
- Nothing fancy, and not too heavy.

315
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:48,500
It has to fit in my purse
and be quick on the draw.

316
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:49,793
You a righty or a lefty, sweetheart?

317
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,336
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Rose,

318
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,754
why on earth would you need a gun?

319
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:55,966
I stepped on some toes with
my matchmaking business.

320
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:59,010
Encroached on the turf of
some not very nice people.

321
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,430
So, you're gonna shoot them?
These old women with a gun.

322
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,473
Oh, no, not shoot. Just brandish.

323
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:04,975
Wave it around a little.

324
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,852
Pistol whipping can
be very effective, too,

325
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,103
and it's a shorter sentence.

326
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,271
Really? Don't speak.

327
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:12,232
They've threatened me and my family.

328
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,543
- Come on.
- They cornered Abe at his tobacco shop.

329
00:12:14,544 --> 00:12:16,653
Said terrible things about the Torah.

330
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,989
We've had flights canceled, mail stolen,

331
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,491
- dry cleaning ruined.
- Who hasn't?

332
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,285
And I'm fairly certain they
burned the tea room down.

333
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,120
Wait, they burned down the tea room?

334
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,455
- My tea room?
- Yes.

335
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:27,998
With the delicious whipped cream?

336
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,541
That has just the
right amount of vanilla

337
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,043
and a hint of nutmeg that
makes it downright celestial?

338
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:33,170
It burned to the ground.

339
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,379
I was gonna invest.

340
00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:37,299
- It's gone.
- Holy shit.

341
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:40,051
I'll kill you, you hear?

342
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,053
Oh.

343
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,473
I'm... I'm, uh, sorry for any language

344
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,099
you may have heard in there.

345
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,101
Uh, call got pretty contentious.

346
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:49,227
Everything okay, partner?

347
00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:50,437
It's the ticket office to Camelot.

348
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,272
Wife wants tickets, and
these theater people,

349
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,524
they don't respond to threats.

350
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,402
Look, please don't go shooting
up any ladies' luncheons.

351
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:59,070
In the meantime, you need a place

352
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,238
to do business for a while,

353
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,573
with the tea room gone?

354
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,951
For a couple days, perhaps. I
just need a table and a phone.

355
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:07,454
- Hey, Maggie!
- Yeah?

356
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,956
I'm sending Midge's mom
over. Find a space for her.

357
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,084
- What?
- Just open the fucking door.

358
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,878
Go down the hall and take a right.

359
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:15,962
Thank you, Susie.

360
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,297
How beautiful.

361
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132
- Damask?
- Mm-hmm. Told you.

362
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:21,051
- I'm in the minority.
- Bullies.

363
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,594
Man, do I hate bullies.

364
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,638
Screwing with a nice,
crazy lady like Rose.

365
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,140
- You can't let her get a gun.
- No, of course not.

366
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:30,519
So, uh, how about...

367
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,604
- Them? No, no, no, no, no.
- Why not?

368
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:35,774
No, I don't want to...

369
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:40,070
You guys do know that we speak
"mumble" pretty fluently, right?

370
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,321
You want us to get into this?

371
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,404
- No.
- Maybe.

372
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,241
- You sure?
- Hey, Susie!

373
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,826
Who's this uptown broad making
me rearrange my furniture?

374
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,745
Just let her hang there a while.

375
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,290
Mm, this is perfect,
Susie. Thank you. Uh, no.

376
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:53,500
I think facing the door is better.

377
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:54,668
She's Midge's mom, right?

378
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:55,919
There's nothing for you guys

379
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,420
to do on this. Thanks.

380
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,672
- Okay.
- All right.

381
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,048
I wish you'd come to me.

382
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,800
- I could get you tickets.
- Oh, yeah?

383
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,468
- I know Robert Goulet.
- That's right.

384
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,512
Yeah, we golf on Saturdays.

385
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,013
Have a great time.

386
00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,807
Make a lot of noise and show Gordon

387
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,434
and all the folks back home
that you're having a great time.

388
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,770
Enjoy the show, everyone.

389
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,985
Hey, Teddy, can you save me
the card with my joke on it?

390
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,528
It's my first to get on.

391
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,988
Gladly. That's exciting.

392
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,906
It is.

393
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:30,370
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Gordon Ford Show.

394
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,039
Tonight's guests: Pat Boone.

395
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:35,333
From Dobie Gillis, Bob Denver.

396
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,003
And comedian Lester Simms.

397
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,046
Now, here's your host,

398
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,591
Gordon Ford!

399
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:52,225
So, President John F. Kennedy.

400
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,935
I have to say, it's gonna
be strange having a Catholic

401
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,520
president from Massachusetts.

402
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,272
I just worry when it
comes to important matters,

403
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:58,982
his allegiance will
always be to the Red Sox.

404
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,568
Yeah.

405
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,987
Oh, this was in the news, in preparation

406
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,739
for a potential showdown
with Cuban guerrillas,

407
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,950
the U.S. military recently
purchased a B-52 bomber

408
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,785
and 10,000 bananas.

409
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,997
Sprinkle those out.

410
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,999
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny,

411
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,083
was recently in a car accident.

412
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:18,877
He's recovering nicely, though,

413
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,003
authorities are still questioning

414
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,338
the voice of Fell-mer...

415
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,804
That's a new character, folks: Fell-mer.

416
00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:33,016
Sidekick to Forky Pig. He's hysterical.

417
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,436
Speaking of cartoons,

418
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:39,022
Disney recently released 101 Dalmatians.

419
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,815
A lot of people are
complimenting the art,

420
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,567
but, personally, I
found it a bit spotty.

421
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:46,029
It's just me, I guess.

422
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,415
Hey, Midge, uh, here's your card.

423
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,292
- Thanks, Teddy.
- You gonna frame it?

424
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,878
- Or burn it for heat.
- Okay.

425
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,963
- Was it as loud as it seemed?
- Louder.

426
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:06,091
- You...
- Yes?

427
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,967
... have nothing to worry about.

428
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,969
Just flash that
hundred-watt smile at Gordie

429
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,805
and it'll all blow over. Piece of cake.

430
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,515
- You think?
- I know.

431
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,250
- Thanks.
- If you want to keep your job, grovel.

432
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:17,602
But George just said...

433
00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,938
George is wrong about
everything, in the world.

434
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,439
I am telling you, grovel.

435
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:24,734
Grovel like you have
never groveled before.

436
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,532
Someone will be here at
1:00 to accept the delivery.

437
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,450
Nope, not before 1:00.

438
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494
Because we're a
nightclub, not a preschool.

439
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:40,125
Yeah. We'll see you
at 1:00. What you need?

440
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,419
Remember when we opened the club,

441
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,796
how we discussed exactly
what we wanted it to be?

442
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,006
- Yes.
- Good music, hip clientele?

443
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,968
- Yes, I remember.
- Especially the hip clientele.

444
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:53,346
We felt very strongly that
a certain element would, say,

445
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:56,015
dampen the festive
atmosphere of the place?

446
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:58,852
- Shit, the Mormons came back?
- Oh, I wish.

447
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,103
Some people say you don't

448
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,938
salt your veal till the very end,

449
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,273
but what are they waiting
for? The roof could cave in.

450
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,692
Outer-space men could land

451
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,652
in your backyard, zap
you right in the tuchus,

452
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,904
then you're dead with unsalted veal.

453
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,030
- Ma.
- Yeah?

454
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,949
- What are you doing here?
- Mm. Joely,

455
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:15,868
I'm having the best
time with my new friends,

456
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,163
"What's His Name" and "What's Her Name."

457
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,622
They're from somewhere,

458
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,040
and they came here to
celebrate something.

459
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:23,125
- Archie.
- Yep.

460
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,167
Can I take that?

461
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,210
Uh-uh! If you try,

462
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,628
I'm gonna put you over my knee

463
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,840
and spank you. When he was a boy,

464
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:31,217
he was so afraid of my hairbrush

465
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,011
that he would hide in my closet,

466
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,305
put on my wig and just lie there

467
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,016
like I wouldn't notice.

468
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,686
Hello, there. You look like
you're about to throw up.

469
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:44,063
Have a cracker sandwich.

470
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,316
Who else is hungry?

471
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,943
You really should sell
some snacks here, Joel.

472
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:50,445
But then, of course,

473
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:54,073
you'd have to turn up the lights
so they could see the menu.

474
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:57,702
It's so dark in here. I
can't see myself think.

475
00:17:57,786 --> 00:18:00,830
Ma, how long have these
been in your purse?

476
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,791
Oh, God!

477
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:05,126
- Here you go, Mrs. Maisel.
- I didn't ask for that.

478
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,878
I just thought something warm...

479
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,254
You know, I've had about enough of men

480
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,923
telling me what they think.

481
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,090
I'm sorry.

482
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:12,425
I think you should drink it.

483
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:13,593
That's what I think.

484
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:16,846
Hello, there. I'm Shirley Maisel.

485
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,057
That's my son, Joel, the owner.

486
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:21,142
Won't be seeing much of him soon because

487
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,144
he's about to have a baby.

488
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,522
He's gonna be at home
cleaning up the poo-poo.

489
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,316
- Ma!
- There he goes again with the "Ma."

490
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,318
Go home.

491
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,486
I can't stay in that house anymore.

492
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,905
Ma, please, you guys
have to figure this out.

493
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,824
He's not gonna retire, Joel.

494
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,408
Of course he's not gonna retire.

495
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,910
He was never gonna retire.

496
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:42,163
He will die at work yelling
at his yarn guy. Accept it.

497
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,250
Well, his yarn guy is a real schmuck.

498
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,335
I'll get you a cab.

499
00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:51,089
- How come she gets to stay?
- She works here.

500
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,216
- Why?
- Why, what?

501
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,760
Why do you work for my son? It's weird.

502
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,847
Do you two have some sort of
weird sicko thing going on?

503
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:01,850
Mr. Maisel, I certainly hope
your mother can take a punch.

504
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:04,435
- Oh, she can.
- Hey, hey, no! Stay...

505
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:07,188
She won't leave. She's had...
I don't know how many drinks.

506
00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,274
- Oh, boy.
- She's got baggies of rotten food.

507
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,650
She's passing them out to
everyone who looks drunk.

508
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:12,026
So, everyone.

509
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,945
Yeah, that's a lethal
purse if you're not careful.

510
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,154
She keeps trying to turn on the lights.

511
00:19:15,238 --> 00:19:16,739
She keeps asking where we keep the mop.

512
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,075
She hates the music. She wants
everyone to put on a sweater.

513
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,077
Oh, she tried to fight Mrs. Moskowitz.

514
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,620
That seems like a pretty fair fight.

515
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:23,746
- Pop.
- Sorry.

516
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,874
I'm not gonna have a
club if this continues.

517
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,333
Please, help me with this.

518
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,711
- Yep, I'm on it.
- Thank you.

519
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,005
I found the mop.

520
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,390
Hm...

521
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,523
No, this is why I'll
never cover hockey...

522
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,025
because it's a baseball town.

523
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,027
- Okay?
- Excuse me,

524
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,445
what's Mr. Ford drinking?

525
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,697
- Bourbon and branch.
- One of those, please.

526
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,240
Heavy on the bourbon,
easy on the branch.

527
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:00,658
The Pirates are gonna repeat.

528
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,160
It's not what I want, but
it's what's gonna happen.

529
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,412
- No, it's gonna be the Yanks.
- Without Stengel?

530
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:06,539
Good riddance to Stengel.
Don't quote me on that.

531
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124
Word is, he's talking to the Mets.

532
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,876
The Mets? What's the Mets?

533
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:13,046
Gordon? Sorry to interrupt. Hi.

534
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,340
Hello, and you are interrupting.

535
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,258
Yes, but I come bearing gifts.

536
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,927
Bourbon and olive branch.

537
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,512
Already got one. Thanks.

538
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:23,848
This is awkward.

539
00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,808
And getting more awkward.

540
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,769
I just wanted to say I'm very sorry

541
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:28,852
for groaning like that.

542
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,480
It was totally unprofessional.

543
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,523
She groaned during the show, audibly.

544
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:34,025
Stupidly. Involuntarily.

545
00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,108
Oh, so someone forced you?

546
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,778
No, but there was a reason.

547
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,446
Were you going into labor?
That would be a good reason.

548
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:39,989
I don't know how you women
do it. Having babies...

549
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,033
No. See, it was just...

550
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,701
It was the first joke I got on the show,

551
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,119
and when what happened happened,

552
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,496
I let the emotion of it get to me.

553
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,747
- That was your first joke?
- Yes.

554
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,830
You've been there a number of weeks.

555
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,500
It's a tough room.

556
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,085
- It's the best room in the business.
- Definitely.

557
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,336
Anyhow, when you bobbled the line,

558
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,046
I was just really
disappointed, that's all.

559
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:56,464
And whatever happens from here on,

560
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,633
please accept my apology.

561
00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:01,803
Fine. I accept your apology.

562
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,848
And I'm sorry I interrupted.

563
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,267
Leave the drink. Bobbled it.

564
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:10,269
Joke was gonna bomb
whether I bobbled it or not.

565
00:21:10,353 --> 00:21:12,313
Mm...

566
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,648
No, it wasn't.

567
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:15,566
What do you mean, "No,
it wasn't"? Yes, it was.

568
00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:17,986
No, the joke was good. You
just stumbled over Elmer Fudd.

569
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:19,237
I didn't stumble over Elmer Fudd.

570
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,655
- Uh, yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

571
00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:21,906
Kind of want to hear this joke.

572
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,533
Gordon, I'm a comedian.
I know about rhythm.

573
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:24,867
You blew the joke. It's okay.

574
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,494
- I got the laugh.
- By pointing out

575
00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:28,454
- that you blew the joke.
- I did that on purpose.

576
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:30,665
You blew a perfectly good
joke so you could point out

577
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,667
to the audience that you
blew a perfectly good joke?

578
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,002
Yes. They love that.

579
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:35,378
It makes me human, and I got a laugh.

580
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:36,838
Yeah, but you got the wrong laugh.

581
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,506
A laugh is a laugh.
There is no wrong laugh.

582
00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:39,589
It was a cover laugh.

583
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:40,925
It's a trick, I've done it myself,

584
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:42,051
but if you had just done the real joke

585
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:43,135
correctly, you would've gotten

586
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:45,013
a bigger laugh, the right laugh.

587
00:21:45,096 --> 00:21:47,515
That joke was gonna bomb. End of story.

588
00:21:47,598 --> 00:21:50,059
- Then why'd you okay it?
- What?

589
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:51,894
You okay every joke. Are
you saying you okayed a joke

590
00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,396
that you knew was destined to bomb?

591
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,231
- Now, wait a minute...
- Or you saying you okayed it,

592
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:56,649
not knowing it was
gonna bomb till you got

593
00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:58,735
on stage and your special
bomb detector kicked in

594
00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:00,111
and you suddenly knew it was gonna bomb,

595
00:22:00,194 --> 00:22:01,237
so you saved it by blowing it

596
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,320
and getting the wrong laugh?

597
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:03,865
There is no wrong laugh.

598
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,450
There's absolutely a wrong laugh.

599
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,118
A wrong laugh is a
laugh you get by accident

600
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,453
because you fucked up the right laugh.

601
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:10,288
That is a wrong goddam laugh.

602
00:22:10,371 --> 00:22:12,373
Now, look here, Miss "I
finally got one fucking joke in

603
00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:13,541
after six months on the job... "

604
00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:14,751
So, you can't read a calendar either?

605
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:15,960
It's only been a month.

606
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,004
I have been doing this a very long time.

607
00:22:18,087 --> 00:22:19,964
I'm a professional goddamn performer.

608
00:22:20,048 --> 00:22:23,134
Who made a goddamn
mistake and won't admit it.

609
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,974
That is a terrible drink.

610
00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:32,769
There are no wrong laughs.

611
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,666
I was writing

612
00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:57,335
deep into the night. That is,

613
00:22:57,418 --> 00:22:59,754
when I wasn't consulting
Cicero for inspiration.

614
00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:02,548
I hope it will undo at
least some of the damage.

615
00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:04,675
You misspelled "Channing," Abe.

616
00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:06,969
Don't you think you're being
a bit too hard on yourself?

617
00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:08,721
Mm, not according to Cicero.

618
00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:10,431
Okay, here's the bottom line,

619
00:23:10,515 --> 00:23:13,559
I cannot publish a 1,500 word apologia

620
00:23:13,643 --> 00:23:15,561
because you left out one "N."

621
00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:17,563
- How many words should it be?
- 15?

622
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:18,981
15?

623
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:20,274
This is the operator,

624
00:23:20,358 --> 00:23:21,734
I have an emergency breakthrough call

625
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:23,361
for the Weissman household
from Susie Myerson.

626
00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:25,822
- What? No, thank you, operator.
- Hold, please.

627
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,615
Operator, I'm declining it.

628
00:23:27,698 --> 00:23:29,575
Shouldn't you see what
the emergency is, Abe?

629
00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:31,160
We're discussing my emergency.

630
00:23:31,244 --> 00:23:32,995
- Hello?
- Hello?

631
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,497
Who is this? I'm calling for Midge.

632
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,499
Susie? It's Abe. I'm on the phone.

633
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:38,334
I know. Your damn line's
been busy all morning.

634
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,128
Well, I started the day

635
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:42,839
trying to call every
Village Voice subscriber

636
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,924
and apologize to them individually.

637
00:23:45,007 --> 00:23:47,009
- Oh, my God.
- Abe, please put Midge on.

638
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,262
Fine. Miriam.

639
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:52,390
Goodbye, Abe. 15 words.

640
00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:54,892
It's Susie.

641
00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,811
- Hello?
- Did you get into a fight

642
00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:58,563
with Gordon Ford in front of everybody,

643
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,481
and I mean everybody in show business

644
00:24:00,565 --> 00:24:01,983
last night at Toots Shor's?

645
00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,402
- How in the world did you know?
- It made the papers.

646
00:24:04,485 --> 00:24:07,947
"The usual 'you had to
be there' revelry at Toots

647
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:11,033
seemed tame compared
to last night's showdown

648
00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:13,369
between Mr. Ford and
his mouthy lady writer."

649
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:14,954
Sounds bad out of context.

650
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:16,164
Give me the context.

651
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:18,082
He flubbed my joke on air,

652
00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:19,458
and I groaned on air,

653
00:24:19,542 --> 00:24:21,586
but it was an accidental
groan, and I apologized.

654
00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:23,963
"It was a shocking moment,
as late night television's

655
00:24:24,046 --> 00:24:26,757
boy wonder lost his trademark cool.

656
00:24:26,841 --> 00:24:28,551
The aforementioned lady writer

657
00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:30,636
might want to start
polishing her résumé,

658
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,054
in another line of work,

659
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:34,473
in another city, across state lines."

660
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:35,683
Oh, my God.

661
00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:37,310
I am building up quite a scrapbook

662
00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:38,811
with all your clippings, you know that?

663
00:24:38,895 --> 00:24:41,522
Help me out. What-what
do I do? Apologize again?

664
00:24:41,606 --> 00:24:42,857
Normally, I'd say yes,

665
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:44,567
but, apparently, you
aren't great at that.

666
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,652
I mean, I have to go
in on Monday, right?

667
00:24:46,736 --> 00:24:48,029
I-I have to show my face.

668
00:24:48,112 --> 00:24:49,655
Yes, you do, and bring a box.

669
00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:51,157
A box? Why should I bring a box?

670
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,075
Well, you know, when you get fired,

671
00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:54,785
you want to have a box
to put your stuff in,

672
00:24:54,869 --> 00:24:56,412
so bring a nice, big box.

673
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,497
Well, I don't have an office,
so I don't have a lot of stuff.

674
00:24:58,581 --> 00:24:59,832
A small box will do.

675
00:24:59,916 --> 00:25:02,168
I am so glad we figured
out the size of the box

676
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:03,794
you're gonna bring on
Monday when they fire you.

677
00:25:03,878 --> 00:25:05,671
So, you definitely
think I'm getting fired?

678
00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:06,839
I'll make some calls.

679
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,674
It's a Saturday, so all these fuckers

680
00:25:08,758 --> 00:25:11,302
are gonna be off golfing or
whacking off on their boats.

681
00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,316
Oh, shit.

682
00:25:13,317 --> 00:25:15,181
What? You think it's them? To fire me?

683
00:25:15,264 --> 00:25:17,600
Don't panic. I'll-I'll keep you posted.

684
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:19,185
Okay. Bye.

685
00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:24,398
Susie Myerson and Associates.

686
00:25:24,482 --> 00:25:26,400
Wait, what?

687
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:27,944
Come to where?

688
00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:48,047
- Who are you?
- Who are you?

689
00:25:48,130 --> 00:25:49,173
I'm Susie Myerson.

690
00:25:49,257 --> 00:25:50,383
Get out of here.

691
00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:51,884
- No.
- You?

692
00:25:51,968 --> 00:25:53,594
Yeah. Why?

693
00:25:53,678 --> 00:25:55,096
I pictured someone taller, thicker.

694
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:56,514
- Although...
- Watch it.

695
00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:57,597
Now, who the hell are you?

696
00:25:57,598 --> 00:25:59,100
Hilarious.

697
00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:01,519
Thank you for the gift,
by the way. Very clever.

698
00:26:01,602 --> 00:26:03,980
- What gift?
- The call.

699
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:06,232
Someone tells me there's
a gift at my door,

700
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:08,567
courtesy of Susie
Myerson and Associates.

701
00:26:08,651 --> 00:26:11,737
I opened the door, and a
fleet of cops hauls me off

702
00:26:11,821 --> 00:26:13,114
for a crime I did not commit.

703
00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:14,907
Oh, that gift.

704
00:26:14,991 --> 00:26:17,243
- You're welcome, Miss...
- Molly is dead.

705
00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:19,578
- Who's Molly?
- My Irish associate.

706
00:26:19,662 --> 00:26:21,038
She got the same call,

707
00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:22,748
had a heart attack,
dropped dead in the kitchen.

708
00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,417
- Jesus.
- Our Jewish friend

709
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,668
is on a plane to Argentina.

710
00:26:25,751 --> 00:26:27,211
Miss Em is AWOL.

711
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,754
Who the fuck are all of you people?

712
00:26:28,838 --> 00:26:30,589
What do you mean, "who are we"?

713
00:26:30,673 --> 00:26:32,258
Didn't Rose Weissman send you?

714
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:34,135
Yes.

715
00:26:34,218 --> 00:26:35,636
Rose sent me.

716
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,054
- You sure?
- Well,

717
00:26:37,138 --> 00:26:39,640
who can be sure of
anything in life, right?

718
00:26:39,724 --> 00:26:41,517
This is bullshit, by the way.

719
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,312
Framing me for a
ridiculous tea room fire?

720
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,521
It's not gonna work.

721
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,356
Hang on a second, that was you?

722
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,400
You burned down the
greatest fucking tea room

723
00:26:49,483 --> 00:26:50,943
in the history of tea rooms?

724
00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:52,695
Never mind the tea, have you
ever had their whipped cream?

725
00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:54,488
- What?
- I don't know what they did to it,

726
00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,032
whether it's extra cream or extra sugar

727
00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:57,742
or a combination of both,

728
00:26:57,825 --> 00:26:59,410
maybe it's the pinch of nutmeg.

729
00:26:59,493 --> 00:27:02,163
God knows I have tried to make
it at home and failed miserably,

730
00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:04,582
but there is something
about that whipped cream.

731
00:27:04,665 --> 00:27:06,959
I hope you get the fucking chair.

732
00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:09,045
I didn't realize Rose
Weissman had protection.

733
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,129
Well, she does,

734
00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:11,881
and a gun, and she'll use it.

735
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,175
- She's not just gonna wave it around or something.
- Okay.

736
00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:17,011
Fine. You got me.

737
00:27:17,094 --> 00:27:19,555
Can we just get down to this, please?

738
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,931
Down to what?

739
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:25,603
Rose Weissman can keep
the Upper West Side.

740
00:27:25,686 --> 00:27:29,231
She just can't go above
125th or below 60th.

741
00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:30,566
Now that Molly's dead,

742
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,193
she can take Hell's
Kitchen if she wants,

743
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:34,945
but she better bone up on
limericks and the potato famine.

744
00:27:35,029 --> 00:27:37,865
What? Not good enough?

745
00:27:37,948 --> 00:27:39,492
Hey, I'm just the muscle.

746
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,410
I'll take it to Rose, see what she says.

747
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,205
Female muscle. Shit. I
should have thought of that.

748
00:27:44,288 --> 00:27:45,623
Yeah, they never see you coming.

749
00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:46,999
Well, not you.

750
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,751
Well, it's been a delight.

751
00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:50,294
That outfit suits you, by the way.

752
00:27:50,378 --> 00:27:52,463
Some women your age just
look silly in stripes.

753
00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:54,840
Tell Rose Weissman this is a good deal.

754
00:27:54,924 --> 00:27:56,592
Hey, if they just booked
you, why are you here?

755
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,052
Why aren't you in the county jail?

756
00:27:59,095 --> 00:28:00,429
I have priors.

757
00:28:08,229 --> 00:28:10,189
So...

758
00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:12,566
- this is different.
- Can't believe it.

759
00:28:12,650 --> 00:28:14,944
He was supposed to help
me with her. Instead,

760
00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:16,445
he's taking up two tables over there,

761
00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:18,155
and she shows up at the
door, first thing she does

762
00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:19,824
is ask for a family
and friends discount.

763
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,200
Did you give it to her?

764
00:28:21,283 --> 00:28:22,785
Well, she's my mother.

765
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:24,370
Can you believe it?

766
00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:26,914
She's telling me how to pick a melon?

767
00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:30,042
I can sniff out a ripe
melon in Jersey if I had to.

768
00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,419
You should've slapped her face.

769
00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:32,920
I just had a manicure.

770
00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:35,089
- Prunes do nothing.
- They do something for me.

771
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,550
Bullshit. It's got
nothing to do with food.

772
00:28:37,633 --> 00:28:39,343
Willpower and a schedule.

773
00:28:39,427 --> 00:28:41,512
What if you have to be
somewhere? What're you gonna do?

774
00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:43,639
I could pull the fire alarm
and clear the place out.

775
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,349
And then they'll just come
back tomorrow with their rabbi,

776
00:28:45,433 --> 00:28:47,768
barber, and canasta club. Oh, good.

777
00:28:47,852 --> 00:28:49,228
Your dad's friend pulled a nickel

778
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:50,563
out of the waitress's ear again.

779
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:53,107
Hey. Hi. What are you guys staring at?

780
00:28:53,190 --> 00:28:54,567
In this corner,

781
00:28:54,650 --> 00:28:56,944
the undefeated purse snacks
champ, Shirley Maisel.

782
00:28:57,027 --> 00:28:58,779
And in that corner, the challenger

783
00:28:58,863 --> 00:29:00,489
and prune skeptic, Moishe Maisel.

784
00:29:00,573 --> 00:29:01,866
And they are not together?

785
00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:02,992
Not by a long shot.

786
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:05,035
- So, two bad tippers.
- Bye, folks.

787
00:29:05,119 --> 00:29:07,371
Come again. Who am I kidding?

788
00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:09,707
Well, sorry that your
dreams are coming to an end,

789
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,083
but before they do,
can I get ten minutes

790
00:29:11,167 --> 00:29:13,043
- when the band breaks?
- An apology

791
00:29:13,127 --> 00:29:14,587
and some music lessons would help a lot.

792
00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:16,255
Fuck this shit.

793
00:29:16,338 --> 00:29:18,299
- You're on.
- Moishe, we were

794
00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:20,440
- enjoying the music.
- Everyone's so sensitive these days.

795
00:29:20,441 --> 00:29:21,927
That's it?

796
00:29:25,389 --> 00:29:27,725
Is the band coming back?

797
00:29:27,808 --> 00:29:30,102
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

798
00:29:30,186 --> 00:29:31,770
- I'm Mrs. Maisel...
- Miriam!

799
00:29:31,854 --> 00:29:34,356
That's my former
daughter-in-law. Miriam!

800
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:35,941
- So pale.
- What are you doing up there?

801
00:29:36,025 --> 00:29:38,486
- I'm going to do my act.
- For who?

802
00:29:38,569 --> 00:29:42,198
For all the nice people looking
very perplexed right now.

803
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:43,365
Leave her alone, Shirley.

804
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:45,576
If she wants to try and tell a joke,

805
00:29:45,659 --> 00:29:47,077
let her learn the hard way.

806
00:29:47,161 --> 00:29:49,497
My butcher is funnier. He's not funny.

807
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:50,956
Nice-looking. She should sing.

808
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:52,333
I'm not a singer,

809
00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:54,210
but I am currently a
writer for The Gordon...

810
00:29:54,293 --> 00:29:56,504
Wait, I was distracted.
Miriam, start your act again.

811
00:29:56,587 --> 00:29:59,256
I haven't really started
my act yet, Shirley.

812
00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:00,716
Trust me, when she starts
it, you won't laugh.

813
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:01,884
Pop, shut up.

814
00:30:01,967 --> 00:30:03,761
Shut up, he says, the fruit of my loins.

815
00:30:03,844 --> 00:30:05,137
If you're not gonna help, then get out.

816
00:30:05,221 --> 00:30:06,472
I am helping.

817
00:30:06,555 --> 00:30:08,265
She needs to rethink this career.

818
00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:09,934
- Who else would tell her?
- Miriam,

819
00:30:10,017 --> 00:30:12,269
ignore him. Pretend he's not there.

820
00:30:12,353 --> 00:30:15,523
Okay, so, I am a single
woman living in New York.

821
00:30:15,606 --> 00:30:16,607
Me too.

822
00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,025
You're not single, Ma.

823
00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:19,818
- Joel, really?
- Sorry.

824
00:30:19,902 --> 00:30:22,279
Have you ladies ever
approached a subway station,

825
00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:23,906
and it's really dark at
the bottom of the stairs?

826
00:30:23,989 --> 00:30:25,741
They don't light them properly.

827
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,118
That was a rhetorical question, Shirley.

828
00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:30,246
She only asked it to set something up.

829
00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:31,330
Not that it was going anywhere.

830
00:30:31,413 --> 00:30:32,915
So, the other night, I'm heading down

831
00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:34,208
these really dark stairs, and...

832
00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:35,668
You didn't have a flashlight?

833
00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:37,253
I have two.

834
00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:38,629
One for light

835
00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,465
and one to use as a weapon.

836
00:30:41,549 --> 00:30:43,592
- She's so small.
- Shirley, you're blinding me.

837
00:30:43,676 --> 00:30:45,886
Just like the attacker.
That's good, right?

838
00:30:45,970 --> 00:30:47,930
Okay, moving on.

839
00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,557
Uh, yesterday, the principal tells me

840
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,933
my son is sleeping during class...

841
00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:52,016
What happened to Ethan?

842
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:54,144
- He's sleeping in class.
- Why?

843
00:30:54,228 --> 00:30:56,105
Because he doesn't drink
coffee? I don't know.

844
00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:58,190
Okay, folks, the show is up here.

845
00:30:58,274 --> 00:31:00,609
I-I... forgot where I was.

846
00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,653
For the love of God, do not start again.

847
00:31:02,736 --> 00:31:04,029
Here, I have a joke.

848
00:31:04,113 --> 00:31:05,531
Guy walks into a bar

849
00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:07,992
holding a one-foot-tall
man playing the piano.

850
00:31:08,075 --> 00:31:09,577
The bartender says,

851
00:31:09,660 --> 00:31:11,245
"My genie must be hard of hearing.

852
00:31:11,328 --> 00:31:13,247
I didn't ask for a 12-inch pianist."

853
00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:17,126
Miriam, there you are.

854
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:20,421
I have to tell you, I thought
you were just terrific up there.

855
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:22,089
Gee, thank you, Shirley.

856
00:31:22,172 --> 00:31:24,091
I enjoyed every minute of it.

857
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:25,843
Is this how your shows always go?

858
00:31:25,926 --> 00:31:27,970
No. Most of the time,
I get to tell a joke.

859
00:31:28,053 --> 00:31:30,055
Really? That's so interesting.

860
00:31:30,139 --> 00:31:32,349
Well, it was a delight.

861
00:31:32,433 --> 00:31:33,809
Listen, while I have you here,

862
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,269
I need some information from you.

863
00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:36,352
- About?
- Mei.

864
00:31:36,353 --> 00:31:38,147
Where is she? Joel told me

865
00:31:38,230 --> 00:31:39,815
she was interviewing for a doctor job.

866
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,775
Yes. She was.

867
00:31:41,859 --> 00:31:44,069
- How long does that take?
- I don't, I don't really know.

868
00:31:44,153 --> 00:31:45,946
How many questions can they
ask? When I go to the doctor,

869
00:31:46,030 --> 00:31:48,449
all he does is take my
pulse and bum a cigarette.

870
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,159
Well, I think it's a bit
more involved than that.

871
00:31:50,242 --> 00:31:52,953
- So, you do know something.
- Me? No.

872
00:31:53,037 --> 00:31:57,041
Just tell me, is she
carrying high or low?

873
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:59,209
I've been knitting pink
booties and blue booties.

874
00:31:59,293 --> 00:32:01,003
I'm completely in the dark.

875
00:32:01,086 --> 00:32:03,714
- Well...
- This baby can't come into the world with cold feet.

876
00:32:03,797 --> 00:32:05,341
What a terrible start.

877
00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:07,217
- Shirley...
- I'm going crazy, Miriam.

878
00:32:07,301 --> 00:32:09,678
Please, just tell me. Something.

879
00:32:09,762 --> 00:32:10,763
Anything.

880
00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:12,097
I think she went to visit her family.

881
00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:14,183
- Where's her family?
- In... China.

882
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,310
Wasn't there a revolution in China?

883
00:32:16,393 --> 00:32:19,313
Yes, there was, which is
why she's not back yet.

884
00:32:19,396 --> 00:32:20,481
Did she enlist?

885
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:22,358
No, it's just, there's
a lot of red tape.

886
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:24,818
Get it? Never mind. She'll be home soon.

887
00:32:24,902 --> 00:32:28,072
Will you excuse me?
I-I think I left the...

888
00:32:31,116 --> 00:32:33,285
You didn't tell Shirley
about Mei, did you?

889
00:32:33,369 --> 00:32:36,372
- Why?
- Because she just grilled me in the ladies' room about Mei.

890
00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:38,540
"Why is she gone so long?
When is she coming back?

891
00:32:38,624 --> 00:32:40,376
Is she carrying high or low?"

892
00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:42,127
Your mother has a terrible
doctor, by the way.

893
00:32:42,211 --> 00:32:44,213
She really needs to see someone else.

894
00:32:44,296 --> 00:32:45,464
Anyhow, I was cornered, so I said

895
00:32:45,547 --> 00:32:47,049
she was visiting her family in China

896
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:49,051
and she can't get out because
of the revolution and then I ran.

897
00:32:50,094 --> 00:32:51,762
You said Mei was in China?

898
00:32:51,845 --> 00:32:54,098
I didn't know what to say, Joel.

899
00:32:54,181 --> 00:32:55,641
How is it when other people
don't know what to say,

900
00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:56,934
they say, "I don't know what to say,"

901
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,310
but when you don't know
what to say, you say,

902
00:32:58,394 --> 00:32:59,478
"She's in China and can't get out

903
00:32:59,561 --> 00:33:00,604
'cause there's a revolution."

904
00:33:00,688 --> 00:33:02,606
- Because I'm an artist, Joel.
- Great.

905
00:33:02,690 --> 00:33:05,067
Hey, this is not my fault.

906
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:06,694
I know.

907
00:33:06,777 --> 00:33:08,195
I'm sorry. It's mine. I...

908
00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:09,697
Really, I'll fix it.

909
00:33:09,780 --> 00:33:11,740
Okay.

910
00:33:11,824 --> 00:33:13,117
Are you gonna fix it now, or should I...

911
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,576
Back way's good.

912
00:33:42,563 --> 00:33:44,064
Why are you grunting?

913
00:33:44,148 --> 00:33:46,024
- Did you do this?
- You woke me up. Do what?

914
00:33:46,108 --> 00:33:48,277
Move Ethan off his Saturday sleep mark?

915
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,195
He was in the way of the bathroom.

916
00:33:50,279 --> 00:33:52,322
Well, hop over him. We
all agreed, we'd hop.

917
00:33:52,406 --> 00:33:53,490
I never agreed to hop.

918
00:33:53,574 --> 00:33:54,867
Well, then hold it in till morning.

919
00:33:54,950 --> 00:33:58,662
You know what? This
whole thing is ridiculous.

920
00:33:58,746 --> 00:34:00,122
Papa, stop.

921
00:34:00,205 --> 00:34:03,375
He'll never know he was
off his Saturday sleep mark.

922
00:34:03,459 --> 00:34:05,210
Papa, we are on a path with this

923
00:34:05,294 --> 00:34:06,920
and we need to stick to it.

924
00:34:07,004 --> 00:34:08,839
The whole point of this is trust,

925
00:34:08,922 --> 00:34:10,507
and if he wakes up and
he's not where he's been,

926
00:34:10,591 --> 00:34:11,967
he may not know where he is.

927
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,678
He's lived here all his
life. He'll know where he is.

928
00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:18,556
Do not move him off his
mark again. Promise me.

929
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:21,393
I make no promises.

930
00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:24,396
Papa.

931
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,607
You claim to be a man of science.

932
00:34:26,690 --> 00:34:28,233
I don't claim, I am.

933
00:34:28,317 --> 00:34:30,360
This is science, and
you are the last person

934
00:34:30,444 --> 00:34:32,571
- who should be doubting it.
- Miriam,

935
00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:35,032
you know full well I'm experiencing

936
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:36,533
a dark night of the soul

937
00:34:36,617 --> 00:34:38,577
from this whole Carol Channing thing.

938
00:34:38,659 --> 00:34:42,206
Please, stop further
assassinating my character.

939
00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:43,373
Remember the cookie?

940
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:44,792
The cookie? What cookie?

941
00:34:44,875 --> 00:34:46,710
When I was seven, you took
a black and white cookie

942
00:34:46,793 --> 00:34:49,004
and you broke it into
16 parts, remember?

943
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,089
- No.
- It was a reward system.

944
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,675
Each time I proved to you I
could properly use a semicolon,

945
00:34:53,759 --> 00:34:55,052
I got a piece of cookie and then Noah

946
00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:56,637
found my cookie pieces and ate them

947
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:58,514
and when I told you
what he did, you said,

948
00:34:58,597 --> 00:34:59,598
"I don't want to hear about this.

949
00:34:59,681 --> 00:35:00,849
Work it out amongst yourselves."

950
00:35:00,933 --> 00:35:02,267
So?

951
00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:04,019
You abandoned me and my cookie lesson,

952
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,563
and to this day I have no
idea how to use a semicolon.

953
00:35:06,647 --> 00:35:08,232
It's used to indicate a pause,

954
00:35:08,315 --> 00:35:10,359
- usually between two...
- Too late.

955
00:35:17,741 --> 00:35:20,828
Do not move him.

956
00:35:26,875 --> 00:35:28,293
Mommy?

957
00:35:33,048 --> 00:35:34,800
Hello?

958
00:35:34,883 --> 00:35:37,344
Whoa, slow down, Pop.

959
00:35:37,427 --> 00:35:39,513
I'm sorry, I didn't get that last...

960
00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:43,016
What? Pop? Are you in a closet?

961
00:35:43,100 --> 00:35:45,185
Why are you so...

962
00:35:45,269 --> 00:35:47,896
I can't... I don't...

963
00:35:47,980 --> 00:35:50,607
I... I'm coming over.

964
00:35:52,693 --> 00:35:54,403
Hello?

965
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:57,573
Ma? Pop?

966
00:35:57,656 --> 00:35:58,907
Joel!

967
00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:01,910
What are you doing here?

968
00:36:01,994 --> 00:36:03,662
Is everything all right? When you called

969
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:05,163
you sounded like you
had a bag over your head.

970
00:36:05,247 --> 00:36:06,247
I thought you'd been kidnapped.

971
00:36:06,248 --> 00:36:07,457
No, not kidnapped.

972
00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:09,167
I did have a bag over my head, though.

973
00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:11,420
- Why?
- Trying to muffle the sound.

974
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:12,963
- Of what?
- Sensitive topics.

975
00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:14,506
- Neighbors have ears.
- Moishe?

976
00:36:15,674 --> 00:36:18,552
It's okay. It's my son, Joel.

977
00:36:20,512 --> 00:36:22,681
All right, you're here. Be useful.

978
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,975
What do you mean, "be
useful"? What's going on here?

979
00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:27,352
Shh. Why are you yelling? Read the room.

980
00:36:27,436 --> 00:36:29,187
Listen, we're gonna get her out.

981
00:36:29,271 --> 00:36:30,772
- Get who out?
- Your girl. It's all planned,

982
00:36:30,856 --> 00:36:32,399
- just a couple more details.
- What's planned?

983
00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:34,151
Now, I didn't want to
involve you directly...

984
00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:36,486
plausible deniability...
but as long as you're here,

985
00:36:36,570 --> 00:36:38,071
- you can answer a few questions.
- Pop...

986
00:36:38,155 --> 00:36:39,698
Don't worry. These are the guys

987
00:36:39,781 --> 00:36:42,117
that got the 13 Jews out of Germany.

988
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,077
- Oh, no.
- They are the best.

989
00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:46,038
That one there is the
original guy's son.

990
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:47,581
The original guy's dead

991
00:36:47,664 --> 00:36:49,583
and the son's a bit of a
yutz, but he has the plane.

992
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:51,084
Pop, I have to talk to you.

993
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,962
I know, communication seems
very important to you today.

994
00:36:54,046 --> 00:36:58,008
Later. For now, when you
say she's in China... where?

995
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:01,303
I mean, I know it's a big
place. I don't need an address,

996
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:03,889
- unless you have one.
- There's no address.

997
00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:06,391
Okay. Is there a street name, perhaps?

998
00:37:06,475 --> 00:37:09,561
Or a landmark? Uh,
maybe a library nearby?

999
00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:12,856
He's asking what the
weather's like. They run cold.

1000
00:37:12,940 --> 00:37:14,691
Really? These guys are the best?

1001
00:37:14,775 --> 00:37:16,151
You know a good extraction team

1002
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,486
that's just hanging
around waiting to extract?

1003
00:37:17,569 --> 00:37:18,569
No.

1004
00:37:20,781 --> 00:37:22,908
Oh. Mmm.

1005
00:37:22,991 --> 00:37:24,576
Shirley, we're working here.

1006
00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:28,205
I don't see anyone complaining
about some fresh Danish, do you?

1007
00:37:28,288 --> 00:37:30,499
They're planning a very
sensitive covert mission.

1008
00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,668
They can't think with
you galloping in and out

1009
00:37:32,751 --> 00:37:34,461
like you're pulling a
carriage around Central Park!

1010
00:37:34,544 --> 00:37:36,463
If I'm a horse, then you're an ass.

1011
00:37:36,546 --> 00:37:38,632
Okay, enough barnyard animal insults.

1012
00:37:38,715 --> 00:37:41,051
Can you two, please j...

1013
00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:53,230
There's something I
have to tell you guys.

1014
00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:54,773
What's the matter?

1015
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:57,734
It's about Mei and me.

1016
00:37:57,818 --> 00:37:59,611
There is no more Mei and me.

1017
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:02,531
No. Joely, don't worry, we're
getting her out of China.

1018
00:38:02,614 --> 00:38:04,908
She's not in China,
Ma. She's in Chicago.

1019
00:38:04,992 --> 00:38:06,660
Oh, well that should be easier.

1020
00:38:06,743 --> 00:38:08,912
She moved to Chicago, Ma.

1021
00:38:08,996 --> 00:38:12,332
- But...
- The... the baby.

1022
00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:14,167
There's no baby anymore.

1023
00:38:14,251 --> 00:38:16,378
Oh, no. Oh, Joel.

1024
00:38:16,461 --> 00:38:17,754
She lost it?

1025
00:38:19,006 --> 00:38:20,841
Yeah. She lost it.

1026
00:38:20,924 --> 00:38:22,676
I'm so sorry.

1027
00:38:22,759 --> 00:38:24,803
Oh, honey.

1028
00:38:24,886 --> 00:38:27,931
But you can try again
when you get married.

1029
00:38:28,015 --> 00:38:30,058
We're not getting married, Ma.

1030
00:38:33,186 --> 00:38:35,856
- Are you okay?
- Sure.

1031
00:38:35,939 --> 00:38:39,067
Would you like something to
eat? There's so much food.

1032
00:38:39,151 --> 00:38:40,986
- So much food.
- No.

1033
00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:44,072
Thank you. I have work to do.

1034
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:46,324
I'm gonna make you a to-go package.

1035
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:48,243
I better tell the boys.

1036
00:39:02,841 --> 00:39:05,177
It was supposed to come in
today. They said they mailed it.

1037
00:39:05,260 --> 00:39:07,387
Uh...

1038
00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:12,934
The Gordon Ford Show.

1039
00:39:13,018 --> 00:39:15,520
Yes, you are right.

1040
00:39:15,604 --> 00:39:17,731
Thank you for bringing
that to our attention.

1041
00:39:17,814 --> 00:39:20,233
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Oh, good.

1042
00:39:20,317 --> 00:39:21,735
You brought a box.

1043
00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,487
Everyone to the railing.

1044
00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:25,322
- To the railing, people.
- Railing, guys.

1045
00:39:25,405 --> 00:39:26,782
All right, listen, guys,

1046
00:39:26,865 --> 00:39:28,867
we have too many relatives
coming to the shows.

1047
00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:30,744
Mothers, brothers, uncles, aunts.

1048
00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:33,291
They're not the best
laughers. Show some restraint?

1049
00:39:33,292 --> 00:39:34,292
- Yes, Mr. Ford.
- You got it.

1050
00:39:34,293 --> 00:39:36,291
Got couple other things
we got to deal with, too.

1051
00:39:37,793 --> 00:39:39,294
Morning, all.

1052
00:39:40,796 --> 00:39:42,422
- Look who's here.
- Okay,

1053
00:39:42,506 --> 00:39:44,424
looks like George brought
a few of the network bigwigs

1054
00:39:44,508 --> 00:39:46,009
down for an unexpected visit.

1055
00:39:46,093 --> 00:39:47,636
Hello, Charlie. Hello, Isaac.

1056
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:48,929
Hello, third person I don't know.

1057
00:39:49,012 --> 00:39:50,222
Syd Greenberg, Mr. Ford.

1058
00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:52,182
This is a friendly ambush, we swear.

1059
00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:54,184
Not sure there is such a thing.

1060
00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:55,727
Come on up.

1061
00:39:55,811 --> 00:39:56,895
We'll finish this later.

1062
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:06,613
The young bears seen here

1063
00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,073
are not just play-fighting,

1064
00:40:08,156 --> 00:40:10,367
they're learning
necessary defensive skills.

1065
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:12,869
- Throughout the first...
- Ethan.

1066
00:40:12,953 --> 00:40:14,329
Time for bed.

1067
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:17,874
I sleep in spot number three tonight.

1068
00:40:17,958 --> 00:40:20,043
How about sleeping in your bed tonight?

1069
00:40:20,127 --> 00:40:22,963
My therapist says I'm not ready yet.

1070
00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:25,048
Okay.

1071
00:40:25,132 --> 00:40:28,218
After that...

1072
00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:31,930
Okay, now, Ethan.

1073
00:40:33,473 --> 00:40:36,309
Look at me and not at
the bear on TV. Up here.

1074
00:40:36,393 --> 00:40:38,728
Hello. Now, Ethan,

1075
00:40:38,812 --> 00:40:40,272
we must discuss

1076
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:43,108
the rationale behind your
sleeping in the hallway,

1077
00:40:43,191 --> 00:40:46,069
or the very lack of it, actually.

1078
00:40:46,153 --> 00:40:48,363
I understand that, for some reason,

1079
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,657
you are afraid of your bed.

1080
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:52,993
Well, you should know that fear

1081
00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:54,786
is very natural.

1082
00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:57,581
It's there to help you survive.

1083
00:40:57,664 --> 00:41:01,084
It tells you to run when
something large with teeth

1084
00:41:01,168 --> 00:41:02,544
is going to eat you,

1085
00:41:02,627 --> 00:41:05,797
or to duck when a rock has
been thrown at your head.

1086
00:41:05,881 --> 00:41:08,842
And there are so many
things in this life

1087
00:41:08,925 --> 00:41:11,803
to be legitimately afraid of.

1088
00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:14,514
Have you heard of Park Slope?

1089
00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:16,391
- No.
- Recently,

1090
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:18,810
a United Airlines airplane

1091
00:41:18,894 --> 00:41:21,104
and a Trans World airplane

1092
00:41:21,188 --> 00:41:23,690
collided in midair, just...

1093
00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:25,984
flew right into each other,

1094
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:28,069
and the wreckage rained down

1095
00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:30,447
onto a Park Slope intersection,

1096
00:41:30,530 --> 00:41:32,490
killing every passenger on board

1097
00:41:32,574 --> 00:41:34,993
and six people on the ground.

1098
00:41:35,076 --> 00:41:37,954
Six people just walking down the street,

1099
00:41:38,038 --> 00:41:40,457
going to the market or to school

1100
00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:43,585
or the movies, got instantly crushed

1101
00:41:43,668 --> 00:41:46,046
by falling pieces of flaming metal

1102
00:41:46,129 --> 00:41:47,756
and various arms

1103
00:41:47,839 --> 00:41:49,758
and legs and torsos

1104
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,260
from previously intact bodies.

1105
00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:54,596
That's pretty scary, right?

1106
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:56,765
- Yes.
- Yes, it is.

1107
00:41:56,848 --> 00:41:58,767
There are wars,

1108
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:02,020
floods, sometimes tigers
escape from the zoo.

1109
00:42:02,103 --> 00:42:05,023
Lightning can strike
you, even on a sunny day.

1110
00:42:05,106 --> 00:42:08,652
You could eat bad
clams and be evacuating

1111
00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:11,363
from every orifice in
your body for a week.

1112
00:42:11,446 --> 00:42:15,116
- But I hate clams.
- Hating clams won't keep you safe, Ethan.

1113
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,662
Y-You could fall down a well
that you never knew was there.

1114
00:42:18,745 --> 00:42:20,497
Go flying through a windshield

1115
00:42:20,580 --> 00:42:22,916
when your daddy stops too fast.

1116
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:25,835
You could accidentally spell

1117
00:42:25,919 --> 00:42:28,880
Carol Channing's name wrong

1118
00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:33,385
and instantly become a man
who must be apologized for...

1119
00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:34,803
in print.

1120
00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:36,263
Yes.

1121
00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:37,847
Yes, I think you're beginning

1122
00:42:37,931 --> 00:42:39,641
to understand what I'm telling you.

1123
00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:43,061
It's time you learn to live with fear.

1124
00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,980
To accept it's there,

1125
00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:47,607
and there is not
enough tape in the world

1126
00:42:47,691 --> 00:42:49,651
to keep you safe.

1127
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,486
And though your mommy and your daddy

1128
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:53,154
and possibly even your therapist

1129
00:42:53,238 --> 00:42:55,657
mean well by making you think

1130
00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:57,492
that sleeping on the floor is a mark

1131
00:42:57,575 --> 00:43:00,495
of being a big brave boy,

1132
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:03,665
your grandpa is here to tell you

1133
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,751
death comes for all of us,

1134
00:43:06,835 --> 00:43:09,045
even the brave.

1135
00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:12,007
Now,

1136
00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:13,633
would you like me to
read you a bedtime story?

1137
00:43:13,717 --> 00:43:15,135
How has

1138
00:43:15,218 --> 00:43:18,138
working with Thelonious
Monk influenced how you play?

1139
00:43:18,221 --> 00:43:19,931
Well, no one hits the
keys like Thelonious.

1140
00:43:20,015 --> 00:43:22,017
- No, no argument here.
- He finds notes

1141
00:43:22,100 --> 00:43:23,518
I didn't even know existed,

1142
00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:25,937
and I can't say I haven't
borrowed a few over the years.

1143
00:43:26,021 --> 00:43:27,647
Well, what with Blue Train

1144
00:43:27,731 --> 00:43:29,107
and Giant Steps,

1145
00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:30,942
you've been hitting all the
right notes lately, John.

1146
00:43:31,026 --> 00:43:32,569
Thank you so much for
being here tonight.

1147
00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:34,779
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great John Coltrane.

1148
00:43:38,033 --> 00:43:39,826
Yeah. Oh. Hold it, everybody.

1149
00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:42,495
I got a little announcement
to make. As of this week,

1150
00:43:42,579 --> 00:43:45,248
The Gordon Ford Show is the number one

1151
00:43:45,332 --> 00:43:47,292
talk show in the country.

1152
00:43:49,336 --> 00:43:52,630
Yes! Yes.

1153
00:43:52,714 --> 00:43:54,549
I have you, my viewers,

1154
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,426
to thank for that.
Bring it out here, guys.

1155
00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:03,516
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I don't thank them enough,

1156
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,770
my staff, my crew, my writers.
Come on out here, guys.

1157
00:44:09,022 --> 00:44:11,149
They are the best in the business.

1158
00:44:11,232 --> 00:44:13,693
I would not be here
tonight without them.

1159
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:15,487
Grab some champagne, everybody,

1160
00:44:15,570 --> 00:44:17,197
and grab some at home, folks.

1161
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:19,407
We'll see you tomorrow.

1162
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:26,414
What are we thinking, Toots Shor's?

1163
00:44:26,498 --> 00:44:28,124
- We can't all fit into Toots Shor's.
- Ooh.

1164
00:44:28,208 --> 00:44:31,503
Ah, forget Toots Shor's.
I know the perfect place.

1165
00:44:49,771 --> 00:44:52,649
Oh, my God.

1166
00:44:52,732 --> 00:44:54,776
Whoo!

1167
00:44:57,654 --> 00:44:59,572
Hey!

1168
00:45:04,327 --> 00:45:07,372
Whoo!

1169
00:45:09,374 --> 00:45:10,374
You guys are crazy.

1170
00:45:10,375 --> 00:45:12,210
Come on down here. It's a party.

1171
00:45:12,293 --> 00:45:14,003
You're not Jack Paar spies, are you?

1172
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:18,299
Hey, hey.

1173
00:45:27,851 --> 00:45:30,603
Hey. Miriam.

1174
00:45:30,687 --> 00:45:32,355
Miriam!

1175
00:45:32,439 --> 00:45:33,773
What is all this?

1176
00:45:33,857 --> 00:45:35,150
We're number one.

1177
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,861
- What?
- Well, they are. I might be.

1178
00:45:37,944 --> 00:45:39,404
- What?
- I'm not sure yet.

1179
00:45:39,487 --> 00:45:40,487
What?

1180
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:43,783
Someone down here is number one.

1181
00:45:43,867 --> 00:45:45,785
- What?!
- Jesus Christ.

1182
00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:47,537
Come down here.

1183
00:45:53,501 --> 00:45:54,669
We're number one.

1184
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:56,171
Gordon announced it
at the end of the show.

1185
00:45:56,254 --> 00:45:57,755
Wow, they did it. They really did it.

1186
00:45:57,839 --> 00:45:59,424
Hey, Maisel, get out here.

1187
00:45:59,507 --> 00:46:01,176
Are-are you sure?

1188
00:46:01,259 --> 00:46:03,428
- Well, you're on skates.
- Oh, no,

1189
00:46:03,511 --> 00:46:06,055
I wore these to the office
today. This is fashion.

1190
00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:07,974
Yippee!

1191
00:46:08,057 --> 00:46:09,517
Guess you're not fired.

1192
00:46:09,601 --> 00:46:11,186
Guess not.

1193
00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:13,563
Can you skate or is this really fashion?

1194
00:46:13,646 --> 00:46:14,856
Well, seriously, it's less nuts

1195
00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:15,940
than a lot of your other getups.

1196
00:46:16,024 --> 00:46:18,234
I'll have you know I
played a magic snowball

1197
00:46:18,318 --> 00:46:20,528
in the Hadassah Women's Zionist
Organization winter pageant,

1198
00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,155
and Sonja Henie was there,

1199
00:46:22,238 --> 00:46:24,115
and she strongly encouraged my
parents to get me some lessons.

1200
00:46:24,199 --> 00:46:26,117
- Yeah, that's not a compliment.
- Fine.

1201
00:46:26,201 --> 00:46:27,994
- You watch.
- I'm watching.

1202
00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,746
Number one, Gordon!

1203
00:46:29,829 --> 00:46:31,206
We're number one!

1204
00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:42,550
There you go.

1205
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,778
Too cool for skates?

1206
00:47:02,987 --> 00:47:04,405
Not anymore, apparently.

1207
00:47:04,489 --> 00:47:06,908
- Need a medic?
- Thanks, I'm good.

1208
00:47:06,991 --> 00:47:08,284
I was a candy striper in college,

1209
00:47:08,368 --> 00:47:09,661
so I have some medical skills.

1210
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,246
They called me the Enema Queen.

1211
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:13,957
Well, I don't need one of
those, but if I ever do...

1212
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,042
You're making me dizzy.

1213
00:47:16,125 --> 00:47:17,627
Oh, if I had a nickel...

1214
00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:21,005
Okay, all right, maybe I
need a little bit of help.

1215
00:47:21,089 --> 00:47:23,132
Glad to be of service.

1216
00:47:23,216 --> 00:47:25,260
Ooh! What was that?

1217
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:26,678
What do you think?

1218
00:47:26,761 --> 00:47:28,805
I... think you tried to kiss me.

1219
00:47:28,888 --> 00:47:30,890
Yeah, that's pretty much what that was.

1220
00:47:30,974 --> 00:47:32,100
Didn't stick the landing, though.

1221
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:34,102
I'm sorry, but don't you hate me?

1222
00:47:34,185 --> 00:47:36,104
How could I hate those eyes, those lips?

1223
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,898
Toots Shor's. I yelled at you, a lot.

1224
00:47:38,982 --> 00:47:40,149
Are you kidding? That was fantastic.

1225
00:47:40,233 --> 00:47:41,818
It was Tracy-Hepburn.

1226
00:47:41,901 --> 00:47:43,903
Loy and Powell. Robinson-La Motta.

1227
00:47:43,987 --> 00:47:45,989
In the paper it was more
like, "Insubordinate nobody

1228
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:47,615
yells at major TV personality."

1229
00:47:47,699 --> 00:47:50,493
Look at us now, number one.

1230
00:47:50,577 --> 00:47:51,995
I won that argument, by the way.

1231
00:47:52,078 --> 00:47:54,372
Oh, but that's...

1232
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:56,499
- Biting your tongue?
- No.

1233
00:47:56,583 --> 00:47:58,585
- Well, then can I?
- Aren't you married?

1234
00:47:58,668 --> 00:47:59,794
I'm not that kind of married.

1235
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,296
Mm, I think that's what my husband

1236
00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:03,423
told his girlfriend before
he became my ex-husband.

1237
00:48:03,506 --> 00:48:04,882
He sounds like a cad.

1238
00:48:07,385 --> 00:48:08,886
Your butt getting cold?

1239
00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:10,471
I'll admit, I can't feel it,

1240
00:48:10,555 --> 00:48:11,764
but you can, if you want.

1241
00:48:11,848 --> 00:48:15,310
And with that, she skated
off into the sunset.

1242
00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:26,321
This is a sight I never thought I'd see.

1243
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,115
Yeah, well, Sonja Henie
told me to take lessons, too.

1244
00:48:29,198 --> 00:48:31,618
I told her to suck it, Norwegian style.

1245
00:48:31,701 --> 00:48:33,119
And I got to hit the john.

1246
00:48:33,202 --> 00:48:34,787
There's one by the skate rental.

1247
00:48:34,871 --> 00:48:36,914
A toilet that's been peed
on by a million little kids

1248
00:48:36,998 --> 00:48:39,417
who can't get their tights
down in time? No thanks.

1249
00:48:39,500 --> 00:48:41,794
I'll find something sanitary.

1250
00:48:55,224 --> 00:48:56,809
Mike, you seen George?

1251
00:48:56,893 --> 00:48:58,770
I've looked all over.
He needs to sign this.

1252
00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:02,231
Yeah, bet he does. Gimme.

1253
00:49:02,315 --> 00:49:04,192
Been forging George's goddamn signature

1254
00:49:04,275 --> 00:49:06,110
for ten goddamn years.

1255
00:49:06,194 --> 00:49:09,197
Illegible G, loopy R.

1256
00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:13,910
- Hey there, Mike.
- I just want to know,

1257
00:49:13,993 --> 00:49:16,329
is yours the last face
I'll see in this life?

1258
00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:18,247
I just wanted to say congratulations.

1259
00:49:18,331 --> 00:49:19,707
Not bad, number one.

1260
00:49:19,791 --> 00:49:21,000
Yeah, doesn't stink.

1261
00:49:21,084 --> 00:49:22,752
Why aren't you celebrating?

1262
00:49:22,835 --> 00:49:25,296
I booked Truman Capote

1263
00:49:25,380 --> 00:49:27,256
for next week, but he's
doing Jack Paar this week,

1264
00:49:27,340 --> 00:49:28,925
so I got to cancel 'cause we got a rule.

1265
00:49:29,008 --> 00:49:32,011
And Doris Day's ostrich
got sick, so she postponed.

1266
00:49:32,095 --> 00:49:33,429
Yeah, she's got an ostrich.

1267
00:49:33,513 --> 00:49:35,848
And the British band that
I don't even like fell out

1268
00:49:35,932 --> 00:49:37,433
because their drummer died
in a hot air balloon accident.

1269
00:49:37,517 --> 00:49:40,353
My talent board is a mess,

1270
00:49:40,436 --> 00:49:42,021
and my talent board is all I care about.

1271
00:49:42,105 --> 00:49:43,147
Well, that and the Christmas tree lot.

1272
00:49:43,231 --> 00:49:44,774
It's a farm, not a lot.

1273
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,109
I stand corrected.

1274
00:49:47,527 --> 00:49:49,737
You know, we're bringing
Sophie Lennon back this week.

1275
00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,281
I did not know.

1276
00:49:52,365 --> 00:49:53,658
She's a good guest.

1277
00:49:53,741 --> 00:49:56,160
People tune in for her, so... thanks.

1278
00:49:56,244 --> 00:49:58,663
I'm sorry, little louder?

1279
00:49:58,746 --> 00:50:00,123
You really drop her?

1280
00:50:00,206 --> 00:50:02,125
After getting her on that
game show? All that's true?

1281
00:50:02,208 --> 00:50:04,252
I have my priorities.

1282
00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:05,420
What about the money?

1283
00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:06,879
Money comes, money goes.

1284
00:50:08,256 --> 00:50:10,258
Let's lunch next week,

1285
00:50:10,341 --> 00:50:11,884
if you're available.

1286
00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:13,261
Really? A real lunch?

1287
00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:14,637
Yeah, a real lunch.

1288
00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,264
I don't have to make
it? Someone else will?

1289
00:50:16,347 --> 00:50:17,473
- Yes.
- And it's not lunch

1290
00:50:17,557 --> 00:50:20,017
where I show up, and you say, "Fuck off,

1291
00:50:20,101 --> 00:50:21,978
- keep walking"?
- Closing my door now.

1292
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:24,063
My girl'll call your girl.

1293
00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:47,021
Ethan.

1294
00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:49,649
You're supposed to be
on spot three tonight.

1295
00:51:49,732 --> 00:51:52,819
Did you know about the
Park Slope plane crash?

1296
00:51:52,902 --> 00:51:54,320
Been spending time with Grandpa?

1297
00:51:54,403 --> 00:51:56,280
He told me about the torsos.

1298
00:51:56,364 --> 00:51:57,364
Yep.

1299
00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:59,617
And tigers escape from zoos

1300
00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,202
and get hit by lightning.

1301
00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:03,246
Go to sleep, baby. I'll
keep the tigers out.

1302
00:52:03,329 --> 00:52:06,541
- And the torsos?
- And the torsos.

1303
00:53:15,109 --> 00:53:17,320
Yup.

1304
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:27,038
Moishe...

1305
00:54:00,863 --> 00:54:05,863
- Synced and corrected by <b>chamallow</b> -
- www.addic7ed.com -